Infinite times Infinite (the end)

I thought that I am a perfect lover. The fact is I’m not. I hurt the person I love the most. This is my fault I know. I’m so childish he said. I act like a kid he said. I don’t know where’s the part when I’m acting like a kid but he just hate it. This is my fault I know. I can’t act like the other girls and I’m just not his type. I took wrong decisions. I hurt him. I don’t know if this is right or wrong but I didn’t think being a little bit longer with him could save either me or him. I know this is hard for him, but this is hard for me either. Being with a guy whose so nice but his friends didn’t like me is terrible. It is the problem of feelings. I can’t imagine how they could talk anything about me that might change his feelings for me. I can’t stand seeing they keep making fun about him and his ex like I wasn’t there, like I can’t hear them. It hurts me a lot. It overthink-ed me. He didn’t like always be the first to talk. If he only knew that no girls wanna be the first to start the conversation. Well… at least I’ve tried to talk to him to clear the problem we had, int the end. I hope it changes the way he thinks about me. I may look so strong but I’m broken inside. I may laugh each day at school like nothing bad happened but I cried myself to sleep every night because I know, I know I lost someone I cared the most and I can’t have him back anymore. I know a big part of me is missing and I don’t know when will I found it again. Everything I do reminds me of him. I keep thinking about him like every day and night. I talk about him –how he is so nice to me, how he makes me feel special, how I love him to die—like at every conversation I have with my best friends. I’m so into him and still into him. Feeling that way is killing me. I have to move on they said. But who will I move to? No one makes me feel like the way I feel when I’m with him. I know someday I will find the one I will marry, but it’s not now, isn’t it? I am stuck in this fail fairytale. I have to move on I know. But it’s a little bit too hard. But one thing scares me the most. I’m scared he will find another girl. I’m scared that he will love another girl and totally forget me. At least, if he really will do it, wait for me till I’m ready. Just don’t break my heart to the tiniest pieces because I don’t think I can fix it anymore. I know I should be happy if he found his happiness and trust me I WILL. But well umm it would take a long time. But HEY! Be happy, A. Thank you for everything. Don’t ever think I never love you, or I can’t love you for the way you are, or I regret the times I spent with you. NEVER! I love you. So much. Like… I love you infinite times infinite. You are my first love and I wish you know it. We can still be friends, right? Haha. Okay. Bye. This is the end of the post.

-ngarep dibaca-